One Final Serenade (Glorified Addiction Eulogy)

I know this is a blog dedicated to my music adventures, but I feel the need to close a chapter of my life using this new channel of expression. I’m more than a songwriter. I enjoy a lot of things. I’m often told that I’m almost bipolar in the way I love or hate things. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of grey space and it’s only growing, but there are still a lot of things I either love passionately or hate passionately. For example: I love melodic pop music, but I have a strong disdain for Top40 pop music, which I don’t consider melodic. I love Sonic, but I hate Mario… (old rivalries never die). I’m a Windows fan, not an iGuy. Beatles, not Rolling Stones. Star Trek, not Star Wars. NOS over Red Bull… and that brings me to the point of all this. I love drinks. I love all kinds of drinks. When I was in college I got into the habit of drinking energy drinks. I was unhappy and unpleasant. I had a lot more hate in me than love. I knew that energy drinks were bad for me and I didn’t care. I drank them to rebel for the sake of rebellion. There was no cause or purpose. It was just angst. Anyway, I got to the point where I really started to enjoy the flavors. I noticed that a soda with a similar flavor wasn’t enough anymore. Energy drinks were bolder, sweeter, more flavorful than other drinks. So I began searching for as many flavors as I could find. I wanted to find the best drinks. I guess my current craft beer obsession is rooted in this old quest. To review as many energy drinks as possible. It wasn’t until the energy drink market was already crashing that I decided to create an official facebook site for my madness. Glorified Addiction was the name. I reviewed over 150 drinks on that page. I tried to keep my microscopic following up to date on the latest flavor news. I launched a revolt that led to Amp Energy bringing back a flavor (Orange Amp, which has now been re-discontinued). I even gave out annual awards to the best (and worst) drinks. It was a lot of fun, but sadly… I’ve got to put that part of my life behind me now. Not only are energy drink companies putting out shitty drink after shitty drink, they seem to be actively trying to make their drinks taste worse! And on top of all that, I honestly don’t find myself enjoying the old standbys as much anymore. Maybe it’s a sign from my body. Maybe my heart is saying “Enough is enough you stupid piece of shit! You’re done trying to kill me.” Maybe my heart has been talking to my tongue “Hey you! You can change right? Taste changes over the years? Now’s our chance! Make him hate energy drinks!” I don’t HATE energy drinks, but I don’t love them anymore. I can’t keep throwing money away at drinks I KNOW I’m not going to like. It’s over. So with that, I’m going to review two more drinks. I’ve been holding onto these drinks for a long time. I’m not sure what I was hoping for. Maybe I was trying to cling to a bygone era in hopes of bringing it back. Maybe I was afraid to let go. I’m not afraid anymore. I’M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! (Kevin McAllister appears courtesy of his rich family) Two more REVIEWS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE! Rockstar Juiced Tropical Guava: Design: I LOVE THIS CAN. It’s purple. I love purple. Such a regal color. This too brings back some vivid memories. In fact, it brings back two sets of memories. The 2009 sort of memories and the 2012 sort. Just before releasing my first album in 2012, I bought a case of Guava and then a case of Pomegranate. These two cans are actually the last remnants of those cases. Sad days. Sound: Just a faint whisper from what was once a flavor powerhouse. Taste: Although it’s a little bit bitter (probably expired) and the carbonation is nearly gone, I can still taste the memories. I still remember how good this used to be. My god, I think I’m going to cry. DON’T LEAVE ME GUAVA! DON’T GO! Effect: A love that will never truly leave me, though I need to move on. Design: 10 Sound: 2 Taste: 9 Effect: 10 Overall: 7.75 Rockstar Juiced Pomegranate: Design: Although there are scrapes on your face, I still find you beautiful. I love this packaging. It’s beautiful. It brings back so many memories. I’ll never forget my first time looking at the Rockstar Rainbow, back in the days where drinks didn’t taste like battery acid. It’s good to see you again… I’m afraid I’m going to have to say goodbye. Sound: That one had a bit more life in it… it always was my favorite. Taste: It’s flat, but it still has that punch! Man oh man! I can’t even begin to describe how this feels. You know how smells can bring back memories? This is like that times a million! I am literally tasting the years go by. My life is flashing before my eyes! Am I letting the drink go or is the drink letting me go? I feel like I’m dying! Effect: Cold winter nights that felt warm with you. Hot summer nights that I’ll remember all my life. Heartache, pain, friendships, and adventures. I’ll cherish this time we spent together, but it’s time to say goodbye. Design: 10 Sound: 4 Taste: 10 Effect: 10 Overall: 8.5